Just Say No…But How?

“Just Say No sounds good in theory. But it implies that saying no is as easy as saying yes. It’s just not. In practice, saying no begs an explanation and saying yes doesn’t. Just Saying No makes for an awkward moment, which makes it an unhelpful suggestion to teens (and people pleasers like me) who often care about avoiding awkwardness even more than they care about their own well-being” -Glennon Doyle, Momastery.com

I grew up with the Just Say No motto in the 80s and 90s. Just say NO to drugs. Just say NO to sex. Just say NO to anything you didn’t want to do.

The hard-line no approach is extremely difficult for people pleasers, myself included, and when we find ourselves backed in a corner and forced to make a split second decision, a simple no is not easy or automatic.

Glennon Doyle’s article on Momastery.com, “The One Conversation That Could Save Your Teen’s Life (and Your Own),” really spoke to the adolescent me who made some bad choices as a teen.

Who am I kidding? It speaks to me as an adult as well.

Setting and upholding boundaries is still hard. All of which led me into a few toxic relationships professionally and personally, because jobs and people can exploit people pleasers who have a tough time saying no.

Saying no at work can make us look like we’re not team players. In relationships, we may not want to hurt someone's feelings or create conflict.

In actuality, we’re just avoiding the awkward and difficult conversations that come with saying no. And as Doyle put it, the underlying issue is, we often care more about avoiding awkwardness than we care about our own well-being. Practicing how to say no can help us avoid toxic situations while we’re working on that deeper-seated, highly complicated self-worth part.

As Doyle explains, “we spend hours talking to our kids about WHY to say no, but we don’t tell them HOW to say no.”

It’s a skill many of us were never taught, but we can teach ourselves, and avoid becoming entangled in that next toxic relationship, whether it’s at work, at home, or in a new relationship.

So when we are put on the spot, how can we say no effectively?

Here are a few scenarios with possible responses. The list could go on and on and the scenarios could take many shapes.

You’re in an uncomfortable sexual situation:

I like you too much for this to happen so soon. I don’t want us to ruin what we have.

(Explain later once you're out of the situation if the relationship isn’t going any further.)

A pushy man or woman keeps asking you for your number:

I am flattered, but my partner would not appreciate that.

Your partner pushes you to do something you’re not comfortable with:

I understand you want that, but please hear me when I say I don’t.

Your partner asks you to lie for him/her:

Because I care for you, I need to do what's right for both of us.

Your boss asks you to take on a new task and your plate is already full:

I’m currently at max capacity but would enjoy taking on additional tasks at a later time.

Have ideas for other scenarios you’ve experienced? How did you handle it? Did you say no effectively or say yes to avoid conflict? What made your no effective? I’d love to hear from you. Email me at ahalfman.beautifulbrokenvessels@gmail.com.

Angela Halfman

Beautiful Broken Vessels Writer and Editing Manager