Is it Me? Am I the Problem?

Why do we think it’s us, when it’s so clearly them?

Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship has experienced those moments of confusion, where they doubt their own perception and wonder if they’re to blame.

The Tik Tok — Is it Me? Am I the Problem?? — plays in my mind, because I asked myself this question repeatedly in my own long-term toxic relationship before finally accepting that while any relationship is a two-way street, and no, I wasn’t perfect, what I expected and hoped for was reasonable, and what he was willing (or rather unwilling) to put into the relationship, was not.

Many of us who end up in long-term toxic relationships likely experienced toxic family patterns ourselves, and of course, we all have some toxic traits. So it can be easy to believe we are the problem, rather than the emotionally abusive person on the other end.

Especially when we try to communicate our unhappiness, frustrations, and confusion over things that are being said and done to us that we find unacceptable, and they point the finger back at us.

I didn’t think I could be manipulated, but when you’re in the grip of a manipulator, the process is so gradual, you suddenly find yourself buried.

I used to think if I did it just the “right” way, I could get my ex to communicate with me. But no matter how hard I tried, he dodged my questions, placed the blame back on me, and punished me with the silent treatment for days and sometimes weeks.

I would later learn this is called stonewalling, which can have disastrous effects on a relationship, as well as the person being stonewalled.

According to Bannerhealth.com, stonewalling is when a partner “leaves in the middle of a conversation, refuses to talk about or give reasons not to talk about an issue, dismisses your concerns, changes the subject or makes accusations to avoid an issue, gives you the silent treatment,” and more.

I would leave these failed conversations burnt and confused, thinking I was being dramatic, too distrusting, and focused on the past, as he would say.

I started questioning my judgment, and I got so stuck in the toxic sludge, I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what was truth anymore, and even though it was so clearly him, I thought it was me.

It turns out that’s a common reaction to emotional abuse and gaslighting, and something the abuser doesn’t consider. They don’t worry if they’re the problem, because in their minds, there is no problem.

It took me a year to start to see clearly. Red flags I ignored for over 10 years came into sharp focus.

I started reading everything I could about emotional abuse, gaslighting, toxic relationships, as well as how easy it is to gaslight ourselves in the midst of it all.

If you find yourself in the same fog, remember that the abuse is not your fault, and the very fact that you worry it’s you, points to the fact that it’s not you. Of course we’re not perfect. We often gravitate toward toxic people because it’s what we know. We’ve likely normalized behaviors and treatment that shouldn’t be acceptable. This can make us more susceptible to abusive types of people.

No matter the reason we find ourselves in an abusive, toxic relationship, we deserve better, we deserve more, we are not to blame, and we can get out.

Angela Halfman

Beautiful Broken Vessels Writer and Editing Manager