Domestic Violence

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence, or “intimate partner violence,” occurs when the behavior patterns of one person in the relationship are aimed at gaining control over the partner. Intimate partner violence is not only physical. Victims are often subjected to psychological, economic, sexual, and emotional abuse as well. The abuser will often make threats of violence against other family members if the victim does not comply with demands. Oftentimes, access to bank accounts is denied, socializing with friends is restricted, and the victim slowly becomes more isolated and dependent on the abuser. Domestic violence does not discriminate and transcends all races, ethnic groups, genders, populations, religions, and sexual identities.

But How Does it happen?

It is important to understand the mechanisms by which domestic violence infiltrates a relationship so that we, as a culture, can move away from victim blaming. The most important thing to keep in mind is that no one ever asks to be abused. Remaining with an abuser is not an admission of guilt and does not imply complicity. There are many reasons a victim may stay in an abusive relationship. Most violent relationships do not begin with a punch in the face (though they can). I like to use the example of a leaky faucet. Imagine you walk into your kitchen to get a drink in the middle of the night. You stumble down the hallway in the dark, open the fridge, and grab a bottle of water. Before you know it, you’re back in bed. Did you notice your faucet had a slow leak? Drip……………………drip……………………………drip…………………………….drip. You probably did not notice it at all. As those drips get closer together, make more noise, and become more rhythmic, they are more noticeable – prompting an individual to turn the faucet off.

A violent relationship can begin much the same way. Oftentimes, it starts with simple things like commenting on a person’s weight or making other suggestions that a person is otherwise inept.

Do you really think that looks good on you? Why can’t you wear your hair like her? Those pants are kind of tight, don’t you think? Why are you wearing all that make-up? Who are you trying to impress?

This is done, of course, to establish a feeling of inadequacy within the victim. The victim begins to question their looks, style of dress, body size, etc. It then moves on to other areas of the victim’s life. There is often a suggestion that the victim may be trying to get attention from other men (or women), which is how jealousy gets justified by the abuser.

I can’t believe you hang around with her. I heard she’s trash. Someone told me she talks behind your back. Your family has no respect for me. They don’t see me as a real man. Why don’t you ever defend me?

Slowly the victim becomes isolated from friends and even family. The victim often feels bad for the abuser, who is claiming to be mistreated by family members (who may be able to see the bigger picture). Once isolated and self-conscious (due to emotional and psychological abuse as described above), the victim becomes more vulnerable to other forms of abuse and more reliant on the abuser because of the isolation. (Do you hear the drips getting closer together?). From there, the abuse escalates until it reaches physical violence. The victim, at that point, cannot see the forest through the trees, feels trapped, inadequate, unworthy of love, and alone.

Why Doesn’t the Victim Just Leave?

This is the question that often leads to victim blaming. But for those that truly want a deeper understanding so that they may be helpful to someone in the future, it is a valid one. So why doesn’t the victim just leave the abuser? For many victims, the lack of access to financial resources plays a key role in the inability to break away from a violent partner. Often victims have already been isolated from friends and relatives and have nowhere to go. Calling the police has ramifications because the victim knows that even if the perpetrator went to jail, they will eventually be released, and the fear of retaliation is enough to keep them from making the call. For women with children, it can be more complex because of the risk of harm to the kids. Many abusers will threaten violence against children to prevent the victim from leaving the relationship. In fact, abusers will make just about any threat they can think of to instill fear in the victim and keep them under control. They may threaten children, parents, siblings, even family pets. The victim lives under constant fear that their actions could lead to someone else’s injury or death. Sadly, some women, when their self-esteem has been stripped, begin to believe they deserve the abuse they are enduring.

So, What Can I Do?

Unfortunately, there is nothing a person can do to make a victim leave an abusive relationship, but there are some important guidelines one can follow in order to support a friend or loved one who may be in a violent situation with a partner. Firstly, do not ever blame the victim. Abuse victims live in constant shame. The last thing they need is more ridicule or comments that somehow make them feel stupid. It further destroys their self-worth and may reinforce their abuser’s hateful words. Here are some ways a support person can be helpful:

• Acknowledge their situation is scary and honor them for being brave enough to talk about it with you.

• Refrain from judging their decisions, even if the decision is to stay in the relationship.

• Offer to accompany the victim to a police station, safe house, domestic violence shelter, or other place that may be able to offer help and safety.

• With permission, help them document the abuse.

• Let the victim know you will keep their information confidential.

Perhaps one of the most important things to remember as the support person is that you cannot “rescue” the victim. A violent relationship has many complicated dynamics, and it often takes intense therapy for a victim to fully recover. The best thing you can do is be a friend. Respect the fact that the victim may not want to talk about the abuse but make it clear that it is always an option.

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233

Carolyn P. Flynn, RN

Beautiful Broken Vessels NurseWriter